The perpetual dark cloud of depression.

Jeff always told me that if I stayed with him the perpetual dark cloud hanging over his head would rain on me too. I used to laugh it off, encourage him that it wasn't true and go on about things. But I think I'm starting to believe him now. It seems like whether it's little things or big things we keep getting kicked down by something. Repeatedly. Over and over. I know supposedly you aren't given more than you can handle - but come on - I'm not Hercules here.

It looks like I may well be able to go to the services on Saturday. Jeff's brother - the one that has been pulling away from his family more and more at the urging of his wife - hasn't even called Jeff back about this weekend and it's Thursday. Hopefully it will work out.

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While I don't know the pain of bipolar disorder that she felt, I do know despair. I know feeling like you can't go on that way another minute. I know needing relief of ANY kind no matter how final that relief may be. I can't imagine the pain and desperation she must have felt though - everyone's is different. It makes my heart ache for her.

Bipolar Disorder is such a tough disease. To even get to a place where someone starts treatment usually requires hitting bottom. The struggle is that medication makes you feel better and when you feel better it's hard to rationalize why you should continue taking the medicine. But if someone with bipolar doesn't regulate those moods then the peaks do get higher but the valleys get lower too. Lower to the point where the pain seems insurmountable.

I've been touched by suicide quite a bit in my life. This is the 5th time. 3 we're high school friends, kids I had known since I was 5 years old. Kids I hung out with, kids I thought I knew. But they made a pact and one by one..Their pictures are in my year book with poems and memorials - remembrances. The other one was in college - someone in our circle - it was shocking and devastating and honestly I can't even find the right words. I feel like I'm grasping here - I know what I feel but I dont' know how to say it.

I feel numb and disjointed today. There are 2 things that I remember whenever suicide touches my life.

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Posted in Mental Health Post Date 03/24/2023






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